i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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