just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
