im six kinds of drunk right now
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
