I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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