yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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