if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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