my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
