i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
