Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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