Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
