This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i've created a new STD.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
