What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
