I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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