happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just found puke in my bra..
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
