So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
