The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Boobs speak an international language.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
