i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
