I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
