Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
