She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
4 words: hood of his car
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
