Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
