just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Randomize
