Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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