I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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