omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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