i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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