You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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