I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
