Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
