I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
