so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
