I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
