I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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