No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
