Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
