Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
