I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
