so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
