Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
