i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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