Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
