between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
