I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
True college students do jello shots in the library
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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