I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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