i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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