no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
