I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
