i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
