my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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