my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
