i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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