I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
