in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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