she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
